really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
