saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
