so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
