Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
