He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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