I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
