So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I stole a fireplace last night.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
