We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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