So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Randomize
