She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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