i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
