he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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