she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
