just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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