i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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