Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
