I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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