the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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