oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
