I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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