you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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