So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
