Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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