So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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