The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just pee around me
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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