so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
