I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
