im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
