he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
