My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
