Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
