So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
