i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
