So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
