The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Randomize
