Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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