how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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