you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I touched a dick in church today
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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