i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
