She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
