You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
