I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
