He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
