At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
