I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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