I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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