the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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