i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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