I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
