It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
