i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
