She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I fill condoms, not promises.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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