I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
