My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
